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Tips for looking swell, feeling sweller

East Bernard Express of East Bernard, Texas

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My Daddy used to tell me to listen to advice, no matter how dumb it may seem because some of it is bound to work. That ranks right up there with "never try to kiss a pretty girl leaning away from you or jump a picket fence leaning toward you." I guess that means trying to kiss a pretty girl leaning toward you couldn't hurt.

My friend Bunkie Hill, told me of a guy that inherited a 20-acre watermelon farm with an old house. The first thing he did was to install two large cedar posts, vertically, in the ground on either side of a path to the house and hang a nice four foot wide gate across the path.

He had a nice sign applied to the gate that read, "Keep Gate Closed At All Times." There never was a fence, picket or otherwise, built on either side of the gate but he said it gave him a sense of security and you never could tell when a pretty girl might drop by during watermelon season.

Here are some other peculiar bits of advice that you might want to know about:

Cauliflower dipped in barbecue sauce then fried tastes almost exactly like chicken nuggets and are lots healthier for you... and your chickens.

Putting a Tums pill on a painful mouth ulcer will cause it to go away in a matter of hours. I personally guarantee this one. I tried it on two Tums pills and both of them went away in less than 30 minutes.

If you're trying to quit smoking, go to a sauna three days in a row. You'll sweat out the nicotine and it will be easier to quit. They don't say how much easier but I think it is safe to say it is somewhere under 100 percent easier if you don't smoke while you are in there.

You are 47 percent more likely to live an extra decade if you eat home cooked meals five days a week. I'm searching for five homes to test the theory for the next 10 years. My favorite meal is a seven-course dinner. That's a steak and a six pack.

Thirty minutes of exercise can make you 10 percent smarter. I tried that today and was amazed. I worked out for 30 minutes and it lengthened my one hour siesta to two, which, I think, makes me 100 percent smarter.

Fifteen minutes of straight laughter has the same health benefits as 30 minutes of sit-ups. Well, now I don't think I ever heard anybody do 15 minutes of straight laughter except for that time Uncle Fudd tried to parallel park a zero turn lawn mower at the county fair.

Exhale on alternate feet while running to avoid cramps. This prevents adding extra stress to one side of the body. Seriously? I haven't breathed on alternate feet since me and five other Boy Scouts slept in a pup tent in a snow storm.

Doc Blakely is a humorist and motivational speaker who resides in Wharton. For more information, visit

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Original Publication Date: July 9, 2016

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