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Guest Opinion

Slowing Down Time

The Carlisle Citizen of Carlisle, Iowa

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Time is getting away from me. I had my 36th high school reunion last summer, which is odd considering I just graduated. My son is 19, but it seems like he just started pre-school. My husband and I will soon celebrate our 27th anniversary, but it feels like we were just married. (He may feel differently.)

Of course, everyone COMPLAINS about how fast time goes. It's high time someone DID something about it. That's why I've come up with the following suggestions for SLOWING down your life, some of which I've actually tried. (I'm not saying which ones.) Use these and use them often and I guarantee it will seem like years before 2016 rolls around.

Get a speeding ticket. It isn't speeding that slows time down; it's WAITING while the officer sits in his car deciding your fate and checking all your outstanding warrants. It takes only moments, but it seems like hours. And you can make it seem even longer if you get your ticket where all your friends and neighbors are likely to drive by and wave while you wait for the officer to come back with your $75 TICKET! (I'm not saying how I know this.)

Attend a graduation ceremony at a large university. It will feel like entire days pass while the names of the graduates are being read. If you want to make this more effective, attend a graduation ceremony at a large university where you don't know a single one of the graduates.

Climb up on your roof and kick the ladder away. Better yet, climb up on someone else's roof and kick the ladder away. You may be there only a short time, but every hour will seem like years. (And that may be what you get for climbing on someone else's roof.)

Lock yourself out of the house on a hot day. Wait for a family member to come home to let you in. Time passes more slowly when you're locked out of your home — not that I would know.

Encourage friends to tell you in great detail about books they're reading. Frequently attend movies you're not interested in. Don't doze. Go to an elementary school band concert at which your children or grandchildren ARE NOT participating. Have surgery without anesthesia. Get stuck in an elevator. (To make this more effective, have an empty stomach and/or a full bladder.)

I'm sure you're aware that an hour during the night is worth two during the day. You can double this effect by drinking a pot of coffee and then going to bed. Or by rocking a sick baby all night. Or by giving a teenager the car keys at 10 p.m. If you don't have a teenager or a baby, borrow one. The parents will love you for it.

The previous ideas are all aimed at slowing down a few hours. You may want to work on dragging out some larger chunks of time. Jail would probably do this. So would having your jaw wired for a few months, especially during the holiday season. Or try inviting someone you don't particularly like to move in with you for six months. This strategy will be even more effective if you choose someone who doesn't like you either.

If none of these suggestions actually do succeed in slowing down your life, they might at least make you appreciate how fast it goes.



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Original Publication Date: November 5, 2015



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