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The Crows calls for the new year

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EDITORIAL FROM THE CROW'S NEST

It's that time again. Just a few days past Christmas and people are already asking me for my predictions for the New Year. You might recall a column I wrote in December of yester year where I ventured into the fine art of prognostication. I can't recall a single prediction or whether any actually came true, but apparently some folks think of me as a modern-day Nostradamus, with a less gloomy forecast. That dude could sure put a damper on a New Year's Eve party with all his dark prophecies and catastrophic conjectures. I'm just guessing here, but I bet if I made a toast claiming the Armageddon will occur in the near future, that would be the last party I'd ever be invited'to.

I decided that I would combine prognostication with intoxication and see if my predictions would be more congenial than anything that melancholic Frenchman ever forecasted. I seriously doubt any of these predictions will come true, but stranger things have happened. Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn occasionally.

I predict that by early spring, the music world will discover Lady Gaga is certainly no lady. It will also be revealed that she is the offspring of Tiny Tim and Madonna.

Airport security will get even more thorough with their scanning, offering as a bonus, a free colonoscopy.

Brett Favre retires again from professional football immediately after a season of numerous injuries and concussions, but to the surprise to all football fans, returns to play quarterback for the Green Bay Packers in their first regular season game. The only problem is that Green Bay didn't ask him to join their team and Favre is wearing his old Vikings jersey and no pants.

Governor Rick Perry announces on April 1 that he will run for president in 2012. For his running mate, Perry selects Coach Wade Phillips who is good at keeping his mouth shut and getting absolutely nothing accomplished.

A huge breakthrough in cell phone technology will occur in the late summer, and Motorola makes billions by selling a cell phone that does absolutely nothing but makes phone calls. What a concept!

In February, teen idol Justin Bieber is rushed to a hospital after discovering some abnormal growth. The attending physician releases Bieber the next day after informing the singer that it is common to have that occur upon reaching puberty.

Executions are at an all-time low all across the nation due to a shortage of drugs used in lethal injections, but here in Texas, executions soar in December when death row inmates are required to pick up trash along Texas highways, wearing a deer costume.

Talk show host and mega-millionaire Oprah Winfrey announces her plan to run for governor of Illinois. A month later, she decides to just buy the state instead, renames it "Oprahnia" and declares herself queen.

Texas governor Rick Perry and the EPA continue to clash over federal regulations over greenhouse gas emissions. Governor Perry tells reporters that Obama isn't going to control the frequency and quantity of gas emissions kere in Texas, and then proceeds to ask one reporter to pull his finger.

Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, marries his girlfriend Crystal Harris, 24, in May. They had planned on a June wedding, but due to Hef's age, the loving couple thought they should get hitched as soon as possible. When asked if the age difference mattered, Crystal informs inquiring minds: "That's nonsense! Most of Hugh's money is only a few years old."

Pop star Miley Cyras enters theBetty Ford Center for an addiction to smoking Texas wildflowers. The humiliating news upsets father, Billy Ray Cyrus, who is worried the scandal will ruin his own singing career.

Sarah Palin survives a near-fatal mauling by a bear while hiking in an Alaskan forest with new friend and possible vice president candidate, Kate Gosselin. A park ranger rescues the women and later reports seeing Joe Biden putting on a bear costume earlier that day.

Well, that's about all the prognosticating I can do for now. I don't want to blow a brain fuse by using so many brain cells at one time. Who knows when I'll need to use them again? I hope you all have a happy new year.



Copyright 2010 The Free Press, Buda, Texas. All Rights Reserved. This content, including derivations, may not be stored or distributed in any manner, disseminated, published, broadcast, rewritten or reproduced without express, written consent from SmallTownPapers, Inc.

© 2011 The Free Press Buda, Texas. All Rights Reserved. This content, including derivations, may not be stored or distributed in any manner, disseminated, published, broadcast, rewritten or reproduced without express, written consent from DAS.

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