Small Town News

Beware Lake Sammamishs people-eating boar-dog-man

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OFF THE PRESS

I've had some pretty weird dreams involving T. rexes, really long water-slides and former college professors trying to kill me with samurai swords, but I recently had one of the strangest and most involved dreams ever.

In the dream, I was at work, and somebody called to tell me about a monster that lived alongside Lake Sammamish.

"That sounds like a great story for our summer Living magazine, which prints in June!" I said.

As I began conducting research for the story, I found an old book detailing the legend of the elusive Lake Sammamish beast.

The monster was amphibious, and it lived in a nuclear reactor buried deep in a cave on the lake's eastern shoreline. It had an appetite for people, and it devoured anybody who stepped foot inside the cave.

As I flipped one of the old, weathered pages of the book, I came to a sketch of the monster: It had the head of a boar, the body of a dog and the legs of a man. Yes, it was the ever-dreaded people-eating boar-dog-man, mutated by radiation from the reactor.

After making a few phone calls, I was able to find two guides to take me to the mouth of the beast's cave.

However, the night before our journey, things got really weird. I received another phone call, this time from a man who wanted me to take part in a muscle-man parade through town.

"I don't have any muscles," I told him. "I'm skinny and flabby."

He told me it was no problem and to show up downtown at 8 a.m. the next day. Fortunately, I had just enough time before my trip to the lake to be in the parade, so I came by the next morning and was promptly fitted with a muscle suit. Along with a crew of people who were actually muscular, I walked through the streets for an hour, smiling and waving to all the people lining the sidewalks.

It was wonderful to see all the children's smiling faces as I pumped my arms into the air and pretended to flex my massive rubber biceps.

After the parade, it was time to work. I met up with the guides, and together we drove down a series of dirt roads in a Jeep, making our way toward the shoreline. After speeding around a curve, we suddenly arrived at the opening to the cave. It was surprisingly small, and sunlight shined through the opening, revealing a junkyard of discarded computers, refrigerators and air conditioners inside.

As I began taking photos through the opening, the guides ducked into the cave.

"What are you doing?" I asked them, my words echoing against the cave walls. "The monster will eat you if you go in there."

"Look at all this trash," one of them said. "We need to clean this up."

Then, the other one chimed in.

"Come on, you have to help us with this," he said.

I refused, and now afraid for my life, I took off running back up the dirt road. It was at this point that

my alarm buzzed, snapping me

out of the dream.

I'm glad everything that happened was imaginary, but I'm a little concerned about the implications the dream has for my personality. Am I always searching for the unattainable? Do I run away from housecleaning whenever I can? Do I have a secret desire to march around in some sort of weird muscle parade?

On the other hand, I am a little bummed that there is no monster, because a story about people-eating boar-dog-man really would have been a fantastic addition to summer Living.

Tim Pfarr: 392-6434, ext. 239, or new-cas@isspress.com. Comment at www.issaquahpress.com.



Copyright 2011 The Issaquah Press, Issaquah, Washington. All Rights Reserved. This content, including derivations, may not be stored or distributed in any manner, disseminated, published, broadcast, rewritten or reproduced without express, written consent from SmallTownPapers, Inc.

© 2011 The Issaquah Press Issaquah, Washington. All Rights Reserved. This content, including derivations, may not be stored or distributed in any manner, disseminated, published, broadcast, rewritten or reproduced without express, written consent from DAS.

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