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How to talk to your teen without being overbearing

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Do you have trouble communicating with your teenaged son or daughter? You're not alone.

"Teens often seem like alien beings and in a sense, that's true, since their bodies are different from those of adults," said Mark Goulston, a psychiatrist, FBI hostage negotiation trainer and author of the new book "Just Listen: Discover The Secrets to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone" (AMACOM). "They release more stress hormones and decision-making circuits in their brains, which haven't fully developed."

Teenagers are biologically wired to move quickly from stress into distress, they don't make judgments well, they can't communicate feelings in a mature way and they're quick to get moody.

"That explains them, but what about you?" Goulston said. "All of us make parental mistakes -- we're too overbearing, too protective, too anxious, too much of a doormat. These mistakes can make our kids respond in crazy ways that we call defiance or just being a jerk."

Here are some techniques from "Just Listen" for getting through to your teen:

If your teen is sullen, it's time for a heart-to-heart talk. Wait to begin until you're going for a drive and your child is captive (since most kids hate unsolicited major talks).

Ask these questions: What's the most frustrated you have ever felt with your mom -dad or me? How bad was it for you? What did it make you want to do? What did you do? Wait patiently for each answer. The biggest key to help a person vent and then exhale is to let it happen. Most people short-circuit the venting stage by becoming defensive, trying to offer solutions or getting nervous and trying to make things better. Instead, wait until the venting is completely done.

Pause after your teen is done unloading and then simply say, "Tell me more." When he or she realizes you're not going to debate, it's disarming. There's no need to fight you if you don't engage in a fight. It shows you were listening and enables your teen to let go of distress.

If you get your child to answer these questions honestly, then say (and mean it), "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was so bad." Don't be surprised if you see tears of relief, followed by the first non-antagonistic, non-confrontational talk the two of you have had in a long time. Then you can begin to get your message across.

For more tips on how to get through to the unreachable people in your life -- such as co-workers, friends and family -- read the new book "Just Listen." Visit www.markgoulston.com for more information.



Copyright 2009 The Othello Outlook, Othello, Washington. All Rights Reserved. This content, including derivations, may not be stored or distributed in any manner, disseminated, published, broadcast, rewritten or reproduced without express, written consent from SmallTownPapers, Inc.

© 2009 The Othello Outlook Othello, Washington. All Rights Reserved. This content, including derivations, may not be stored or distributed in any manner, disseminated, published, broadcast, rewritten or reproduced without express, written consent from DAS.

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